Taking the First Step

As I sit on our makeshift couch in my dormitory sipping coffee out of my green mug, my roommate serenading the room with her melodic voice, I reflect on this past semester. I argued with God so much, I didn't want to come to North Central second semester. I was already bitter about how long the reapplication process took. I had all of these doubts in my mind, I imagined things going wrong in every possible way. I didn't want to leave my family or friends. I was planning at staying at SC4 for another semester...deep down inside, I knew I wasn't going to be there any longer than fall semester this year but I pushed it to the back of my mind. I avoided getting my stuff in as long as possible. I didn't tell anyone I was leaving until like 3 weeks before, some three days before because I fear goodbyes...real goodbyes...

Although it was really difficult for me to take that first step, I don't regret doing it. I have been stretched in ways beyond my imagination. God has blessed me with every single person who I have come across this semester. I have been challenged: school, spiritually and relationally. I have been taken out of my comfort zone again and again. I have heard many life-transforming sermons. I have gotten the opportunity to speak into peoples' lives as they have spoken into mine. I have learned more than I ever thought was possible. I have gotten opportunity to speak highly of my spiritual leadership and my friends back home. I  have realized how blessed I am to have such a great group of people at home that will show their support, no matter where God takes me. (even if they tell me it's not God's will for me to go four states away...=P)

I want to encourage you, yes you. The one who is reading this blog whether I forced you to or you're reading it on your own. If God tells you to do something, do it. It's worth taking that first step. Sometimes what you have seems more appealing then what you're supposed to do. Don't weigh the pros and cons of what God wants you to do, just do it. He knows exactly what He's doing. I'm not going to tell you that it will be easy, but it will be worth it. Every minute of it.

Set me free!

I am only writing about this in a public venue because I know that others can relate to this and it's okay to get it out, it's okay to be honest about what you're feeling. It's probably more detrimental to hold things in than it is to let them out.

I love people more than almost anything else in this world besides God obviously. At the same time, I really can't stand people. Apparently, that's what loving other people means. Caring about someone more than anything else even if sometimes, you can't stand them. Unconditional love might be another name for it.

I am also afraid of people. I live my life in fear of man, not necessarily fear of man in a spiritual sense but fear of being hurt. Fear of what people think about me. Fear of not fitting in. Fear of being the person people gossiped about. Fear of not being loved.  Fear of being rejected. Fear of what happened in the past manifesting itself in the present. I have realized that I really haven't fully given any of this to God and it is leaving unhealed aspects of myself, keeping me in bondage and preventing me from fully becoming the woman God wants me to be.

I realized that this isn't beneficial to me at all. I am ready to let go of my fear. I am ready to give everything to God and let Him heal me from the inside. I am willing to let Him use me outside of my comfort zone. I am ready to not be afraid of relationships with other people. I am ready to speak life into others instead of cutting them down to make myself feel better. I am ready to be fully confident in myself.  I am ready to be out of bondage and set free.I am ready to fully be the woman that God has called me to be.

"Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me"

"There is one pain I often feel, which you will never know. It is caused by the absence of you.” -William Shakespeare

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. At times, I find this to be the complete truth. There are days that I long for nothing more than to be close to the people that I am far away from, to be able to smile and laugh and have ridiculous conversations with. To be able to talk to face to face. To be able to look into your eyes. To remember what your voice sounds like. To remember why I care so much.

 Other times, I hate this quotation because being far away makes me realize who people really are and it makes me want to never speak to them again, no matter how nice they seemed like they were face to face. Sometimes I wonder if my life was wasted investing my time into these people. I wonder if  they knew how much I cared or how much I still care, whether or not it's reciprocated. I wonder if they knew how much their stupid comments actually hurt whether or not they're joking. I wonder if they have any idea, despite all of this that I miss them. More than anything in the world.

I wonder if missing somebody can make you angry at them because they're not here and everything that they do or everything that they say is magnified in my head, if I make it out to be more than it actually is. Maybe these people are actually one person that I care deeply about and they have no idea.

You kids gotta stop listening to that devil music, ya hear!?

My current favorite song is "Your Hands" by JJ Heller. I decided to read the comments on the Youtube video that I just linked to after listening to it 20 times yesterday. I noticed that said "This comment has received too many negative votes." This provoked curiosity in me; However, I half expected it to be someone telling Christians that they're brainwashed or someone else saying that Allah is the one true god. (Trends that I've noticed in songs that I listen to on Youtube.) so I clicked 'show'. What I read shocked me:

"This music is of the devil. Jesus will not accept contemporary "christian" music as worship to Him!"

Um, what!? I did know some people who believed similar things but I don't know if they believed to that extreme. I went to this guy's page and he commented similar things on songs such as "Above All" and "Come,  Now is the Time to Worship" These are heartfelt worship songs, they're not even bad.

This reminded me of the time that I read that the number one thing that turns people off to God is Christians. Shocking? I thought it was when I first read it but I honestly don't anymore. I have watched Christians talk about loving others but condemn everyone who doesn't agree with them. I have watched Christians tell people that what they're doing is wrong and go out and do the same thing two days later. I have read a Christian posting something on Facebook calling a girl the devil's daughter.

I love these people, don't  get me wrong but I don't want to be put in the same category as them. I want to be known as the girl who loved people unconditionally, the way that God does. Remember that if you call yourself a Christian, you are representing God everywhere you go. Please for all of our sake, don't be one of those Christians that turn people off to God by doing the opposite of what they say or being arrogant. People don't appreciate hypocrisy or arrogance. People don't appreciate Christians telling them that everything they do is of the devil. I don't even appreciate that.

Here are two principles that I try to live by:

"So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."-1 Corinthians 10:31

 My dearest friend once said "Speak the truth in love. Truth without love is not truth. Likewise, truth without love is not love."

I went on a beach mission but all I ended up doing was mission you.

Three adjectives to sum up my inner self would consist of compassionate, sensitive and apprehensive. Apprehensive in the sense that I am perceptive and discerning, not paranoid. I promise there is a reason for all of this talking about myself, something that God taught me. Promise.

I have recently realized that not everybody appreciates these qualities. I know that I can be over sensitive sometimes but I'm a girl. It happens.

Last Friday, I had a conversation with two guys that I had just met after I felt like we really shouldn't go down a certain street when we were witnessing to people. He told me that he looked down that street and girls were really immodest so he's glad we didn't. This led to a conversation about how guys are visual. I always knew this but now I have been making it a point to understand what this means a little bit better. I know I will never understand this fully because I am not a guy and never will be. (Note: If you're trying to understand the opposite sex completely, you're wasting your time. You'll probably never even understand your own.)


So then a girl who I used to be close to and is a Christian posted a status that was extremely inappropriate going along with this subject. One of our friends who is a guy commented on it, "That's great and all but is that really appropriate to announce?" That comment was deleted so I commented "I love you to death but this is really inappropriate. Some of our brothers genuinely struggle with lust and we're not supposed to be a stumbling block to them." Of course, she deleted that comment too. Whatever. Then I got a text from her that says, "Please never contact me again since you have nothing positive to say to me."...that's the only negative thing I've ever said to her but I was honestly shocked. Not upset about it but shocked that someone could be so immature especially someone 5 years older than me.

I really wanted to talk to someone about it but had nobody to talk to. I was sitting with the girls on my floor at lunch but everyone else was having another conversation and probably would just start laughing if I brought it up anyways like they normally do when I try to say anything so I just left and went back to my room, laid down on my bed and cried for a while then just went to sleep. I texted my friend from Michigan and told her about it but she didn't text me back until the next day so I just kind of felt alone. I really wanted to go home and be with my friends so I had someone to talk to and feel welcome/accepted again. I got to the point where I never wanted to come back here again. I'd find somewhere else to go. (I still do really miss my friends/family from MI. One more month =D)


God then brought me back to some of the other times I felt alone, most of these were within the groups of people that I hang out with the most. At this point, I realized that this was an attack and even if I felt alone among people, with God I am never alone. Satan wants us to feel alone because one of the essentials in the body of Christ is unity and if we're not unified, it's hard for us to do anything to further the kingdom of God. Remember that God is with you next time you feel alone. Remember that people do love you and do care about you. God especially.