Cliché February Blog Topic: Love and Insecurity

Over the weekend, someone I trusted really hurt me. It's not wise or remotely beneficial to me to explain the situation in such a public place but it is necessary for the purpose of this blog to say that I was hurt and still am.
When this situation happened, I was up all night in shock why someone would do such a thing to me. Yes, maybe I was focusing too much on myself, but it hurt(s). A lot.

The pain that I felt brought to surface a lot of my insecurities...."Am I not good enough?" "Am I not pretty enough? (cue every single physical/personal thing I'm insecure about)" "Is this person trying to one up me?" (I don't even think this person cares as much about this situation as I do.) "Why does nobody even care about my feelings?" "Why does everyone take advantage of me?" "Why doesn't anyone respect me?" Obviously, a lot of these things aren't necessarily true but they are questions that came to mind when this situation happened and since. I know that I need to find my security in God and Him only but these are questions that I really have struggled with the last few days. It's hard to receive compliments right now because my self confidence has been shot. I could not help feeling extremely unloved but I still have learned a lesson and learning how to put it into practice.


Security is not found in ANYONE but God. 
Nothing else matters BUT Him.
My identity is in Christ, NOT in what other people do to me or say about me.
ALL of His creation was good, this includes me. 
I AM worthy to be loved.

Getting to the cliche part of this blog, it's almost February 14th. Last year, my friends and I jokingly celebrated Anna Howard Shaw day. (She was a leader of the women's suffrage movement, a physician and the first ordained female Methodist minister in the United States); much less popular than "St. Valentine's Day" or for a good majority of us, "Singles' Awareness Day". It's difficult not to get caught up in whether or not you have a significant other around this time of year. People tend to pair off and then life becomes really awkward. Everything is covered with cheesy pink and red hearts, which doesn't actually count as a legitimate color combination any other time of the year. Yes, I realize that I sound really cynical right now but that is not my intention.
 I love the idea of love; I really do but we put so much emphasis on romantic love and to an extent, that's totally fine. I'm not against romantic love at all but after all of these insecurities have surfaced, I am really not ready for it yet.  So instead of focusing on some punk (I mean, awesome and handsome man of God.), I am going to let God pursue me and I am going to find my identity in Him. I am going to replace all of the lies I've been believing with His truth about me. I'm going to learn how to love Him with EVERYTHING that I am and I mean absolutely EVERYTHING that I am.

You're your own worst critic.

“To make it quite practical I have a very simple test. After I have explained the way of Christ to somebody I say “Now, are you ready to say that you are a Christian?” And they hesitate. And then I say, “What’s the matter? Why are you hesitating?” And so often people say, “I don’t feel like I’m good enough yet. I don’t think I’m ready to say I’m a Christian now.” And at once I know that I have been wasting my breath. They are still thinking in terms of themselves. They have to do it. It sounds very modest to say, “Well, I don’t think I’ good enough,” but it’s a very denial of the faith. The very essence of the Christian faith is to say that He is good enough and I am in Him. As long as you go on thinking about yourself like that and saying, “I’m not good enough; Oh, I’m not good enough,” you are deny God – you are denying the gospel – you are denying the very essence of the faith and you will never be happy. You think you’re better at times and then again you will find you are not as good at other times than you though you were. You will be up and down forever. How can I put it plainly? It doesn’t matter if you have almost entered into the debts of hell. It does not matter if you are guilt of murder as well as every other vile sin. It does not matter from the standpoint of being justified before God at all. You are no more hopeless than the most moral and respectable person in the world.” 
― David Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cure

(This quote has something to do with this blog but nothing to do with this blog at all. It just really spoke to me and it relates to the subject of this particular blog entry.)

So I'm a writer. I know that it's not necessarily evident in a lot of my blogs; I usually write what's on my mind and don't take the time to word it eloquently but I promise that I am. In my writing classes that I have taken, I've learned that every piece of writing is different and just because someone's is different than yours doesn't necessarily mean that you did it wrong or you're a terrible writer. It just means that you have a different writing style. But we're all critical of ourselves which could be either a good thing or a bad thing.   

It's great to be self aware and know what you need to work on. It's unhealthy to never be able to see anything positive about yourself. Hence the phrase, "you're your own worst critic." Today, as I was spending time with the Lord, He revealed to me that I tend to struggle with always feeling that I'm not good enough or not good at anything. For example, last semester I had a difficult time writing a couple of my final papers because they had to be about myself and I didn't know how to talk positively about myself. I can always see strengths in other people but not necessarily in myself. I used to really take it to heart if someone criticized something that I did. I still do unintentionally sometimes. I like to make people happy and I hate failure. I hate it. I like to do things that are expected of me and I hate to disappoint people. Even more, I hate to disappoint myself.

However, God is my healer. He is my redeemer. He is the Creator. How in the world can I have this attitude? I have been created and redeemed by the God of the Universe! The Creator of all! HOW COOL IS THAT!? God created me with my own unique personality, gifts, and talents. You too. I declare in the name of Jesus that I am good enough because I am His creation and I am in Christ Jesus. So are you. Don't let your own criticism of yourself hold you back. I won't either. 

Why I'm glad I didn't grow up in the church...

   Tonight, a few girls on my floor and I gathered in my RA's room for some bonding time. We shared our testimonies, we laughed, we cried, we endured the heat together. The heat in her room, of course.We go to school in Minneapolis. It's cold here. 

  

  From what I recall, all but one of the girls who were in the room grew up in the church. Not that it's a bad thing they grew up in the church, we all have had our equal share of struggles and heartbreak. I'm just glad that I didn't. I used to really wish that I had some kind of religious background instead of the home life that I had. I'm not going to get into detail but let's just say it took a long time to recover from it. To be honest, I'm still recovering. Healing is a process. When sharing my testimony, the first sentence that I said after admitting that I was a little bit nervous, "I did not grow up in the church and I am learning how to be more and more thankful for it every day." 

  I tend to be pretty transparent to anyone who asks me questions about myself but I'm one of those people who you actually have to ask. I don't hide the fact that I didn't grow up in a traditional Christian background or any Christian background. However, I go to a Christian college and as with any Christian environment (at least the ones that I have been in), people tend to assume that I have. Obviously it's human nature to assume but it still kinda stinks when people assume things about you that aren't true. Oh well. I'll get over it.

  I have often been told that I have a different way of bringing things to the table and God has recently taught me that this was because of my upbringing. Not growing up in the church has given me a different perspective on things than a lot of people who did have. I had a different opportunity to grow in my faith than my friends who grew up in the church did. I had a different kind of motivation to continue following God. I had an opportunity to come to a lot of my own conclusions instead of being told what to believe, which in all honesty I don't necessarily think is a bad thing. I learned how important it was to know where people came from and where God brought them from without making assumptions that they came from the same background as me. I developed a different definition of being open minded. Although if I have children, I plan on bringing them up in the church, I am thankful for the different perspective that I developed by not growing up in it. 

Thank you, Jesus.

"A glass can only spill what it contains..."-mewithoutYou

My dear friend once told me that problems are like Tetris...if you don't do anything about it, things build up and you lose. Sometimes I harbor bitter feelings against others, even those who are undeserving, because I don't make an attempt to deal with an already present problem. Hence the phrase "A glass can only spill what it contains..." In a way, our souls are a metaphorical glasses that contain feelings such as hurt, bitterness, infatuation, joy, love, etc.

And your glass will ONLY spill what it contains.

If you hold bitterness inside of you, you will spill bitterness. Trust me. I know from experience.

If you contain hatred, your glass will spill hatred.

If you contain pride, your glass will spill pride.

And the list goes on....

And sometimes it's a horrible mixed drink of pride, bitterness and hatred. The deadliest thing is to mix a trace of one of these things with 4 parts love because it is deceptive. It's almost like mixing a tasteless drug in someone else's drink.

And the worst thing about it? You spill it all over the people around you. You will snap or get angry with people who didn't do anything to you (or those who did) because you're holding your poisonous drink dear.

I don't want to contain pride, bitterness and hatred. I want to contain the joy of the Lord and the love of God. I want to spill it on the people around me so they will know Him. The Bible says you will know them by their fruits...

RE: Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial

It's Christmas day and I'm sitting in my room with the door shut sipping Diet Coke. Most Christians on this day are remembering the birth of Christ, reminding EVERYONE and their grandmothers that Jesus is the reason for the season. And He is. He really is.
However, I think I've read one too many Facebook statuses complaining about how people say Happy Holidays instead of Merry CHRISTmas. After all, Jesus is the reason for the season. So instead of thinking about the birth of Christ (which I maybe should be doing), I am contemplating all the reasons I don't understand Christianity.
I consider myself to be a Christ-follower and if someone asked me, for identifying purposes, I consider myself a Christian.
I do not consider myself a religious person, however. I think of religious people as those who stand on the street corners telling everybody that they're going to Hell. In my humble opinion, that is not the way to show God's love. After all, Christianity is not a religion...it's a relationship. (insert more cliche sayings)
But most people think of Christianity as a set of rules. You MUST read your King James bible for at least a half hour every day, pray, give to the poor. You may NOT drink alcohol, buy lottery tickets, smoke, read Harry Potter or Twilight, cuss, listen to secular music, have fun.
Actually, I am convicted about a good majority of the things that I listed that you may not do. I have watched alcohol ruin lives...I think that gambling is a huge waste of money...smoking is gross and horrible for you (so is Diet Coke, I'm sure)....I think that opening yourself up to Harry Potter is entertaining witchcraft. I have known people heavily into the occult and I can tell you that even though Harry Potter is technically fictional, witchcraft is very real and we have no business entertaining it. Twilight is pedophilia and a shame to any well written novel. I hate when I hear Christians cuss all the time.
I am not convicted about listening to secular music but content does matter.
Most Christians I know don't think of these things as a big deal but I do. I don't think that saying Happy Holidays is a big deal but apparently it is. Where do we draw the line about what's right and what isn't? I understand the concept of conviction but as Paul said in one of his letters, everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. However, do these things that we do ruin our witness to other people? Why do we spend more time trying to justify the things that we're doing instead of reaching out to people and being a Christlike example? I don't really know if any of the things I listed are technically wrong but I have seen those things ruin witness to those in the world. Seriously, where do we draw the line!? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

God is weird...

I love God, don't get me wrong...but He is so weird. Maybe people would consider this blasphemous and maybe it is. But if we are called to be Christ-like and if Jesus Christ is the Son of God, then aren't we called to be weird too? I don't really understand a lot of things that go on or why things are the way that they are. I'm sure God has a reason for it but it doesn't stop me from thinking that He's weird. Here are some of my random thoughts about why I think God is weird. Are these some of my Christ-like qualities? I wonder...:
1. He is perfect and nobody else is. What's up with that? That makes Him different than the rest of us and therefore weird.
2. I don't understand why there is a murder of crows outside of my dorm room window every night. I think that it's really creepy. Why did God make crows? Is He trying to make a funny joke? Why are a bunch of crows together called a murder? I bet that there's a reason for that.
3. I don't understand why I am always haunted by his eyes or his perfect smile. Or why I can think of a million reasons why I am wasting my time. Or no matter how many times I ask God to make it go away or get frustrated, it never goes away.
4. I wonder why God gave me the personality that I have or the silly dry sense of humor. I don't understand why I'm shy or an introvert. I don't really understand why people don't believe me when I tell them that I am.
5. I wish I knew why God made words like weapons...or why I am always the one on the battlefront getting bullets of hurtful things shot at me? My wounds still remain unnoticed by most because I try and stay strong.
6. I wonder why God made my mind the way that it is and why I am afraid to let anyone else in completely. I wonder why I like to know random information that has absolutely nothing to do with anything.
7. I wish I knew why I try to fight battles for others. Does God mean for this to happen?
8. Is God's love language love?
9. Why are men and women sooo different from each other? And why do we try to understand each other when we know deep down inside that we never will?
10.  Why do I enjoy making things so complicated? Is this a Christ-like quality too?
11. Why does He know absolutely EVERYTHING about us and still love us unconditionally anyways? It doesn't make any sense to me but I'm thankful that He does.

Love is an idiot!

(I wish this phrase was original but it isn't. I read it on a Facebook status and it inspired me.)

Is love an idiot or am I an idiot? I knew from the beginning that I never would have a chance but I entertained the thought that it might...possibly...maybe...happen. Maybe I was right. I secretly hope that I wasn't but I'm sure I am. I know all of the cliche answers, most of all "just wait. Focus on God. Be content." I am not at peace with these answers. I can't help it, I have the mind of a poet where everything inside is a beautiful painting of feelings and possible scenarios sprawled across the sunset; your perfect smile lighting up the near darkness. It really stinks that this scene will probably never take place outside of my head. One eye is searching through the darkness for another adventure and someone else to care about that may care about me back because I know you're only in my imagination.

It is almost like we have a choice to love someone or not to love them. Funny how we think that we can be around someone who is near perfect and not fall head over heels for them. It amuses me how we think that it's possible...but I don't think that it is. I think that everything under the sun has a reason, including love...whether or not it's reciprocated.  A life lesson if you will. The real question is; is love an idiot or am I?