Confessions of a Harlot in a Prude’s Clothing.

After recently having a moving conversation with a close friend of mine, I offered her a spot on my blog to write about her struggles because I know that she is not the only girl that has gone through this. I know I have at some point in my life. And I can testify through my own experience that there is redemption, forgiveness, and healing through the Lord Jesus Christ for my friend who I know is seeking it and for you who may think that you're too dirty to be forgiven. You're beautiful and you are made pure through His hands. I'm not going to say her name to protect her confidentiality, but I really would like everyone to think deeply and be open about the words that she has written. This is a safe place, I will not judge you. I will pray for you or try to help you find the resources you need. I am going to open the option to post anonymously on this blog, but please no attacking anyone else. 
Thank you,
Emily

What you are about to read is a true story.

A twelve year old girl with an active imagination sees a movie scene in which a couple sleeps together.  She sees another.  Her parents had standards of what was appropriate but Dad thought “it’s not that bad, they don’t show anything graphic.” So he doesn’t fast forward.  But this girl is already beginning to experience the inevitable changes and growth that puberty brings.  Her hormones rage and the scenes leave large impressions on her creative mind.

On her own time, she imagines stories of grand adventures and great heroes.  They will someday be written down into famous novels, she thinks.  But soon her stories take new turns.  The princess falls for the knight and they find themselves alone.  Reality and imagination begin to intertwine and our twelve year old girl finds that she can finish the story on her own.  Over and over again.

One scene from a movie, I don’t even remember which one now, was all it took.  The images were burned into my twelve year old brain.  For over ten years I have struggled with the beast that youth pastors and purity conferences imply belongs to men.  I didn’t need to return to the images; watching films like “A Walk to Remember” or “Titanic” at girlish sleepovers and talk of the latest crush was enough.

It didn’t matter how many sex, dating and relationship series’ I heard in junior high and high school youth groups.  It didn’t matter how many times I heard clichés like “guard your heart.”  How could I guard my heart from the pervasive infection that had already taken hold?  Not one of my leaders, women of wonderful faith, ever suggested that my sin was something that women struggle with.  In truth, I loathed our annual dating discussions at youth group because I felt the overwhelming shame of being freak.  “Normal” girls dealt with self-image, knowing her boundaries if/when she started dating, and attributes of good, Christian men worth dating.  The Boys (I assumed) covered issues of sexual urges and porn.  I actually longed to be a part of their conversation, believing that they addressed ways to not objectify the opposite gender.  They were learning how to fight the beast.

They all knew that they were affected visually and they could keep each other accountable.  I was alone.  I continued the façade that I was committed to purity.  I wasn’t like “those girls” who slept with their boyfriends even after they’d made the “true love waits” promise.  I had never even had a boyfriend or been on a date.  But the thick and putrid tar of impurity still covered my heart.  I may have blushed at innuendo or been shocked by public high school exploits, but I turned an even deeper shade of red when I heard verses like Romans 1:24, I Corinthians 6:12-20, or Ephesians 5:3.  In the presence of many Christians, I felt the burning shame of the woman caught in the act of adultery and I wasn’t even exposed.

I saw more movies, more images burned into my brain that I could not escape.  Still cannot.  Friends got older and silly little crushes turned into deeper infatuations that only fed the disease, no porn required.  I hated myself when friends got together for pool parties or games of ultimate Frisbee and all I could see were the shirtless men.  I dressed as modestly as I could, knowing that I did not dare wish upon my guy friends the same impurity that I possessed in spades.

I wish I could tell you that at some point, I have had an incredible encounter with the Lord and experienced complete freedom from the bondage in my body and soul.  I can’t.  I do have an amazing relationship with my Savior but it is tainted.  I give up and give up and give up my sin again and again.  But like a dog returns to its vomit, I return to the dark crevice wherein my beast resides.  I pray hard and long about freedom, earnestly desiring to surrender to my God, and am then distracted by the impeccably dressed, attractive man playing guitar with the worship band.  But I don’t confess it to anyone.  I suffer in silence.

You know me.  I am your roommate, your sister, or your best friend.  I might even be you.  I agree that some actor is attractive.  But I don’t tell you that the conversation or the poster on your wall, or the movie you want to watch is feeding my beast.  I don’t admit that I avoid eye-contact with my guy friends because I don’t want to objectify them or that I fear having ruined myself for any potential relationship in the future.  I doubt that you will remain with me if you learn the extent of my depravity.  I know that my beast, my sin, will only be eradicated when it is brought into the light.  But I feel like there is no one to flip the switch.  Will anyone let this harlot confess?

Some Thoughts on Women and Church Culture

     When I was young, I attended a church that only allowed the men to open in prayer. It confused me at the time, but I never thought much of it. Until recently (in the last couple of years). It all started when my friend told me about the class her college offers called "How to Be a Pastor's Wife"...I will admit that at first, I thought it was pretty funny.

      But the more I thought about it, the more frustrated I became. Although that is probably a useful class for some ladies, is that all the college thinks that we're called to do? To become pastor's wives? To become wives?  Christian culture has (perhaps unintentionally) persuaded us as young ladies that our one aspiration should be to become wives. It teaches that we are nothing  without our husbands. It teaches us that if we're not married, we have very little capability We are taught that if we accomplish A, B, and C...in that order, God will have a husband in waiting for us. If He doesn't, then we're doing something wrong. This is ridiculous. Christian culture twists the Scriptures to allow us to be oppressed and oppress ourselves, using the excuse of submission.  I don't think that there's anything wrong with marriage in itself, I know plenty of husband/wife teams that God uses in amazing ways. I plan on getting married one day.

      I do think that there's something wrong when ladies don't think they can do anything for God unless they're married. I do think that there's something wrong when young ladies seek after their potential future husbands than they seek after the face of God. I do think that there's something wrong when beautiful young ladies' self esteem is shot because they're taught to find their worth in how many guys pursue them rather than finding their worth and identity in God.  I do think there's something wrong when ladies have to suppress their God-given gifts in the church because of their gender.  I do think there's something wrong when we put God in a box because of church culture. God is so much bigger than church culture!

Hello World!

I had a little bit of a hiatus from my blog since April. Partly just because I didn't have regular internet access, but I'm back! I am going to make an attempt this semester to blog a lot more consistently than I have in the past, so bug me to post if you have to. I'm off to class so I will talk to you all later! (And hopefully get a chance to post a blog with substance sometime today or tomorrow.)

God bless you all!
Emily

Whom then shall I fear?

I walked into the sanctuary alongside my good friend with a large hot turtle mocha (basically, liquid sugar)  in my right hand surrounded by a sea of unfamiliar face in an unfamiliar place. Every introvert's, well maybe just my, nightmare. I honestly had a terrible attitude walking in, this has been my third time going to church in the last two days and I was tired of it. I just wanted to relax. Maybe work on some homework. The worship team started to play a song I didn't really know...I looked around and nobody was raising their hands or really doing anything, something I definitely wasn't accustomed to. I was definitely uncomfortable in such an unfamiliar environment.

 Then came the sermon, my defining moment for today. The head pastor began to preach on finding things in your life that we need to bury (let go of)...and at the end of the sermon, we were told to write on a piece of paper one word that we need to let go of.

My word? Fear.

I am afraid of the unknown.

I am afraid that my life won't go the way I expect it to.

I am always afraid that something bad will happen or that an obstacle will come up.

I am afraid that I won't have the support, material, or skill to do what I want to do.

I am afraid of being rejected.

Most of all, I am afraid to trust in God completely.

I want to be in control of my life.

I want to be the one to make things happen.

I want to be able to continue on a straight path until I reach my life's calling.

I want to be secure in who I am.

But let's be honest.

I can't do ANYTHING on my own strength.

The only reason I can do anything is because God gave me the ability to.

He knows what He's doing.

I don't.

5 Reasons Why Being a Good Student is Important

God has been putting this blog on my heart for quite a while, how important it is to be a good student as a Christian...this is written from the perspective of me as a college student, obviously it's important to be a good student no matter where you are.

I'm not claiming to be the best student in the world, I have my moments where I get lazy or I complain about having too much homework. I'm not sure if I know any student who doesn't...but the fact is that right now, studentship is my calling and I need to be faithful with that, by trying my hardest and putting my best effort into every single one of my classes whether or not I feel like it would be useful in my future career. This is why:

1. Yes, I go to a Christian university but despite that, I am representing Christ wherever I go. Maybe I am representing Christ to Christian professors but it is still important and I'm sure there are students among me that aren't strong in their faith, have been hurt by Christians or don't yet know the Lord. It's good practice for representing Christ in the professional field to supervisors and clients alike. And let's be honest, whether or not we agree with their teaching methods, every single professor deserves the utmost respect .Whether I like it or not, people are watching me. I could set a good example or I could set a poor one.

2. As I mentioned before, studentship is my calling right now. I n the parable of the talents, a man entrusts his possessions to his servants...he distributes his wealth on the basis of their abilities, 5 talents to the first, 2 to the second and 1 to the third...the first two servants invested the money and the third buried it.The same concept applies to doing well in school, God trusted me to be a student and has given me the ability to be a good student, I have a unique opportunity to go to college...so I should work with what I have instead of being lazy and not seizing the opportunity to be a student and learn eagerly. It is not my calling to be lazy, it is my calling to be a student and to be faithful with the little.


3. I am in college to learn about my field...how am I supposed to apply the concepts I learn to professional practice if I don't learn them in college or how to apply them? As Dakota Fanning's character says in the movie "Uptown Girls", "Fundamentals are the building blocks of fun"


4. College is expensive. Why waste money if I'm not going to try?


5. The more I learn, the more you realize how little I know and there's always more to learn. This helps me to develop humility, wisdom and a hunger to learn more and become knowledgeable in whatever subject I am learning.

Cliché February Blog Topic: Love and Insecurity

Over the weekend, someone I trusted really hurt me. It's not wise or remotely beneficial to me to explain the situation in such a public place but it is necessary for the purpose of this blog to say that I was hurt and still am.
When this situation happened, I was up all night in shock why someone would do such a thing to me. Yes, maybe I was focusing too much on myself, but it hurt(s). A lot.

The pain that I felt brought to surface a lot of my insecurities...."Am I not good enough?" "Am I not pretty enough? (cue every single physical/personal thing I'm insecure about)" "Is this person trying to one up me?" (I don't even think this person cares as much about this situation as I do.) "Why does nobody even care about my feelings?" "Why does everyone take advantage of me?" "Why doesn't anyone respect me?" Obviously, a lot of these things aren't necessarily true but they are questions that came to mind when this situation happened and since. I know that I need to find my security in God and Him only but these are questions that I really have struggled with the last few days. It's hard to receive compliments right now because my self confidence has been shot. I could not help feeling extremely unloved but I still have learned a lesson and learning how to put it into practice.


Security is not found in ANYONE but God. 
Nothing else matters BUT Him.
My identity is in Christ, NOT in what other people do to me or say about me.
ALL of His creation was good, this includes me. 
I AM worthy to be loved.

Getting to the cliche part of this blog, it's almost February 14th. Last year, my friends and I jokingly celebrated Anna Howard Shaw day. (She was a leader of the women's suffrage movement, a physician and the first ordained female Methodist minister in the United States); much less popular than "St. Valentine's Day" or for a good majority of us, "Singles' Awareness Day". It's difficult not to get caught up in whether or not you have a significant other around this time of year. People tend to pair off and then life becomes really awkward. Everything is covered with cheesy pink and red hearts, which doesn't actually count as a legitimate color combination any other time of the year. Yes, I realize that I sound really cynical right now but that is not my intention.
 I love the idea of love; I really do but we put so much emphasis on romantic love and to an extent, that's totally fine. I'm not against romantic love at all but after all of these insecurities have surfaced, I am really not ready for it yet.  So instead of focusing on some punk (I mean, awesome and handsome man of God.), I am going to let God pursue me and I am going to find my identity in Him. I am going to replace all of the lies I've been believing with His truth about me. I'm going to learn how to love Him with EVERYTHING that I am and I mean absolutely EVERYTHING that I am.

You're your own worst critic.

“To make it quite practical I have a very simple test. After I have explained the way of Christ to somebody I say “Now, are you ready to say that you are a Christian?” And they hesitate. And then I say, “What’s the matter? Why are you hesitating?” And so often people say, “I don’t feel like I’m good enough yet. I don’t think I’m ready to say I’m a Christian now.” And at once I know that I have been wasting my breath. They are still thinking in terms of themselves. They have to do it. It sounds very modest to say, “Well, I don’t think I’ good enough,” but it’s a very denial of the faith. The very essence of the Christian faith is to say that He is good enough and I am in Him. As long as you go on thinking about yourself like that and saying, “I’m not good enough; Oh, I’m not good enough,” you are deny God – you are denying the gospel – you are denying the very essence of the faith and you will never be happy. You think you’re better at times and then again you will find you are not as good at other times than you though you were. You will be up and down forever. How can I put it plainly? It doesn’t matter if you have almost entered into the debts of hell. It does not matter if you are guilt of murder as well as every other vile sin. It does not matter from the standpoint of being justified before God at all. You are no more hopeless than the most moral and respectable person in the world.” 
― David Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cure

(This quote has something to do with this blog but nothing to do with this blog at all. It just really spoke to me and it relates to the subject of this particular blog entry.)

So I'm a writer. I know that it's not necessarily evident in a lot of my blogs; I usually write what's on my mind and don't take the time to word it eloquently but I promise that I am. In my writing classes that I have taken, I've learned that every piece of writing is different and just because someone's is different than yours doesn't necessarily mean that you did it wrong or you're a terrible writer. It just means that you have a different writing style. But we're all critical of ourselves which could be either a good thing or a bad thing.   

It's great to be self aware and know what you need to work on. It's unhealthy to never be able to see anything positive about yourself. Hence the phrase, "you're your own worst critic." Today, as I was spending time with the Lord, He revealed to me that I tend to struggle with always feeling that I'm not good enough or not good at anything. For example, last semester I had a difficult time writing a couple of my final papers because they had to be about myself and I didn't know how to talk positively about myself. I can always see strengths in other people but not necessarily in myself. I used to really take it to heart if someone criticized something that I did. I still do unintentionally sometimes. I like to make people happy and I hate failure. I hate it. I like to do things that are expected of me and I hate to disappoint people. Even more, I hate to disappoint myself.

However, God is my healer. He is my redeemer. He is the Creator. How in the world can I have this attitude? I have been created and redeemed by the God of the Universe! The Creator of all! HOW COOL IS THAT!? God created me with my own unique personality, gifts, and talents. You too. I declare in the name of Jesus that I am good enough because I am His creation and I am in Christ Jesus. So are you. Don't let your own criticism of yourself hold you back. I won't either. 

Why I'm glad I didn't grow up in the church...

   Tonight, a few girls on my floor and I gathered in my RA's room for some bonding time. We shared our testimonies, we laughed, we cried, we endured the heat together. The heat in her room, of course.We go to school in Minneapolis. It's cold here. 

  

  From what I recall, all but one of the girls who were in the room grew up in the church. Not that it's a bad thing they grew up in the church, we all have had our equal share of struggles and heartbreak. I'm just glad that I didn't. I used to really wish that I had some kind of religious background instead of the home life that I had. I'm not going to get into detail but let's just say it took a long time to recover from it. To be honest, I'm still recovering. Healing is a process. When sharing my testimony, the first sentence that I said after admitting that I was a little bit nervous, "I did not grow up in the church and I am learning how to be more and more thankful for it every day." 

  I tend to be pretty transparent to anyone who asks me questions about myself but I'm one of those people who you actually have to ask. I don't hide the fact that I didn't grow up in a traditional Christian background or any Christian background. However, I go to a Christian college and as with any Christian environment (at least the ones that I have been in), people tend to assume that I have. Obviously it's human nature to assume but it still kinda stinks when people assume things about you that aren't true. Oh well. I'll get over it.

  I have often been told that I have a different way of bringing things to the table and God has recently taught me that this was because of my upbringing. Not growing up in the church has given me a different perspective on things than a lot of people who did have. I had a different opportunity to grow in my faith than my friends who grew up in the church did. I had a different kind of motivation to continue following God. I had an opportunity to come to a lot of my own conclusions instead of being told what to believe, which in all honesty I don't necessarily think is a bad thing. I learned how important it was to know where people came from and where God brought them from without making assumptions that they came from the same background as me. I developed a different definition of being open minded. Although if I have children, I plan on bringing them up in the church, I am thankful for the different perspective that I developed by not growing up in it. 

Thank you, Jesus.

"A glass can only spill what it contains..."-mewithoutYou

My dear friend once told me that problems are like Tetris...if you don't do anything about it, things build up and you lose. Sometimes I harbor bitter feelings against others, even those who are undeserving, because I don't make an attempt to deal with an already present problem. Hence the phrase "A glass can only spill what it contains..." In a way, our souls are a metaphorical glasses that contain feelings such as hurt, bitterness, infatuation, joy, love, etc.

And your glass will ONLY spill what it contains.

If you hold bitterness inside of you, you will spill bitterness. Trust me. I know from experience.

If you contain hatred, your glass will spill hatred.

If you contain pride, your glass will spill pride.

And the list goes on....

And sometimes it's a horrible mixed drink of pride, bitterness and hatred. The deadliest thing is to mix a trace of one of these things with 4 parts love because it is deceptive. It's almost like mixing a tasteless drug in someone else's drink.

And the worst thing about it? You spill it all over the people around you. You will snap or get angry with people who didn't do anything to you (or those who did) because you're holding your poisonous drink dear.

I don't want to contain pride, bitterness and hatred. I want to contain the joy of the Lord and the love of God. I want to spill it on the people around me so they will know Him. The Bible says you will know them by their fruits...

RE: Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial

It's Christmas day and I'm sitting in my room with the door shut sipping Diet Coke. Most Christians on this day are remembering the birth of Christ, reminding EVERYONE and their grandmothers that Jesus is the reason for the season. And He is. He really is.
However, I think I've read one too many Facebook statuses complaining about how people say Happy Holidays instead of Merry CHRISTmas. After all, Jesus is the reason for the season. So instead of thinking about the birth of Christ (which I maybe should be doing), I am contemplating all the reasons I don't understand Christianity.
I consider myself to be a Christ-follower and if someone asked me, for identifying purposes, I consider myself a Christian.
I do not consider myself a religious person, however. I think of religious people as those who stand on the street corners telling everybody that they're going to Hell. In my humble opinion, that is not the way to show God's love. After all, Christianity is not a religion...it's a relationship. (insert more cliche sayings)
But most people think of Christianity as a set of rules. You MUST read your King James bible for at least a half hour every day, pray, give to the poor. You may NOT drink alcohol, buy lottery tickets, smoke, read Harry Potter or Twilight, cuss, listen to secular music, have fun.
Actually, I am convicted about a good majority of the things that I listed that you may not do. I have watched alcohol ruin lives...I think that gambling is a huge waste of money...smoking is gross and horrible for you (so is Diet Coke, I'm sure)....I think that opening yourself up to Harry Potter is entertaining witchcraft. I have known people heavily into the occult and I can tell you that even though Harry Potter is technically fictional, witchcraft is very real and we have no business entertaining it. Twilight is pedophilia and a shame to any well written novel. I hate when I hear Christians cuss all the time.
I am not convicted about listening to secular music but content does matter.
Most Christians I know don't think of these things as a big deal but I do. I don't think that saying Happy Holidays is a big deal but apparently it is. Where do we draw the line about what's right and what isn't? I understand the concept of conviction but as Paul said in one of his letters, everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. However, do these things that we do ruin our witness to other people? Why do we spend more time trying to justify the things that we're doing instead of reaching out to people and being a Christlike example? I don't really know if any of the things I listed are technically wrong but I have seen those things ruin witness to those in the world. Seriously, where do we draw the line!? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

God is weird...

I love God, don't get me wrong...but He is so weird. Maybe people would consider this blasphemous and maybe it is. But if we are called to be Christ-like and if Jesus Christ is the Son of God, then aren't we called to be weird too? I don't really understand a lot of things that go on or why things are the way that they are. I'm sure God has a reason for it but it doesn't stop me from thinking that He's weird. Here are some of my random thoughts about why I think God is weird. Are these some of my Christ-like qualities? I wonder...:
1. He is perfect and nobody else is. What's up with that? That makes Him different than the rest of us and therefore weird.
2. I don't understand why there is a murder of crows outside of my dorm room window every night. I think that it's really creepy. Why did God make crows? Is He trying to make a funny joke? Why are a bunch of crows together called a murder? I bet that there's a reason for that.
3. I don't understand why I am always haunted by his eyes or his perfect smile. Or why I can think of a million reasons why I am wasting my time. Or no matter how many times I ask God to make it go away or get frustrated, it never goes away.
4. I wonder why God gave me the personality that I have or the silly dry sense of humor. I don't understand why I'm shy or an introvert. I don't really understand why people don't believe me when I tell them that I am.
5. I wish I knew why God made words like weapons...or why I am always the one on the battlefront getting bullets of hurtful things shot at me? My wounds still remain unnoticed by most because I try and stay strong.
6. I wonder why God made my mind the way that it is and why I am afraid to let anyone else in completely. I wonder why I like to know random information that has absolutely nothing to do with anything.
7. I wish I knew why I try to fight battles for others. Does God mean for this to happen?
8. Is God's love language love?
9. Why are men and women sooo different from each other? And why do we try to understand each other when we know deep down inside that we never will?
10.  Why do I enjoy making things so complicated? Is this a Christ-like quality too?
11. Why does He know absolutely EVERYTHING about us and still love us unconditionally anyways? It doesn't make any sense to me but I'm thankful that He does.

Love is an idiot!

(I wish this phrase was original but it isn't. I read it on a Facebook status and it inspired me.)

Is love an idiot or am I an idiot? I knew from the beginning that I never would have a chance but I entertained the thought that it might...possibly...maybe...happen. Maybe I was right. I secretly hope that I wasn't but I'm sure I am. I know all of the cliche answers, most of all "just wait. Focus on God. Be content." I am not at peace with these answers. I can't help it, I have the mind of a poet where everything inside is a beautiful painting of feelings and possible scenarios sprawled across the sunset; your perfect smile lighting up the near darkness. It really stinks that this scene will probably never take place outside of my head. One eye is searching through the darkness for another adventure and someone else to care about that may care about me back because I know you're only in my imagination.

It is almost like we have a choice to love someone or not to love them. Funny how we think that we can be around someone who is near perfect and not fall head over heels for them. It amuses me how we think that it's possible...but I don't think that it is. I think that everything under the sun has a reason, including love...whether or not it's reciprocated.  A life lesson if you will. The real question is; is love an idiot or am I?

Pointless Bitterness...

God has been teaching me a lot about forgiveness lately...after my first year out of high school, a girl that I know hurt a lot of people that were close to me at the time. As I am very, very protective of my friends and sometimes try to fight their battles (I'm working on it.), I decided that I didn't like her anymore. Fast forward three years, this girl just happened to live in very close proximity to me in the dorms. I automatically put up a defense after three years of bitterness being built up and tried to make as little contact with her as possible. I wasn't necessarily rude or anything, I just wanted very limited conversation. I have known since last semester I was supposed to talk to her about it and forgive her...I'm going to be completely honest right now, I made every possible excuse in the book to avoid it.

1.  I'm really shy. 
2.  I didn't really know what to say.
3.  I didn't really want to.

 and the list goes on...and on...and on...

On Sunday night, we had a worship night and she was sitting very close to where I was. God was like, "Hey...you need to forgive her." I was speechless...I didn't really know what I was supposed to say...I planned on giving all of the reasons why I was bitter to God and figuring out why I was so bitter....wait, uh...God? Can I just forgive her without me saying anything? PLEASE. PLEASE. Exactly what I was planning on doing.  He had other plans. I started to pray but it kept coming up in my mind...so I did what any good Godly woman would do, I instead wrote in my journal...everyone is going to hurt me at some point.  Keep it to myself... so I started to think about all of the reasons that I was bitter and what she has done to me personally...I thought for a second...five minutes passed...nothing. This girl has never done anything to me personally. Ever.

After this worship night was over, I went up to her and explained that I was holding onto this bitterness for three years for absolutely nothing. Nothing. What a waste of time. I apologized to her and she explained to me how a couple of people have told her that I didn't really like her and she didn't know why I didn't like her but it meant the world to her that I apologized. I had no idea either.

A good friend once told me that problems are like Tetris and if you don't do anything about it, the blocks...your hatred...your bitterness...your stupidity...will build up...and eventually, you will lose. I almost lost this game by holding onto something completely pointless. It was hindering me from having a solid relationship with God and other people.

Let God search you. What kind of pointless things are you holding onto? Forgive them and let God's love replace your bitterness...your hatred...whatever. Let Him set you free.

God, break me. I am tired of being at a stand still in my relationship with You. I want to be put back together according to Your purpose and molded in Your image. I no longer want to feel inadequate or insecure, I want to find my identity completely in You. I no longer want to be hurt or bitter toward others. I want to be an encouragement to them and Your instrument. I want to love people the way that You do. Help me to become humble and break me so that I can be everything that You created me to be.

Putting two and two together.

I glanced at the clock on the bottom right of my computer and as I expected, it read "2:22"...since last semester, the number 2 has been coming up without fail...I met someone whose birthday is February 22 (which is 2/22)...I ALWAYS look at the clock at 2:22, no matter what...there have been a few phone numbers with the last 4 numbers having some variation of the number 2...addresses...my word count on Microsoft Word...I hope you get my point by now.

So I've been trying to figure out/praying about what this means for quite a while...as I am walking down my dorm hallway today, it hit me. There have been two common themes throughout this semester at the different churches I have gone to or different speakers I have heard: doing life together and the Holy Spirit.

 "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”-Matthew  18:20

Having relationships with the body of Christ is important...how could an arm work without an elbow? Or a hand without any fingers? How can you see in the spirit without eyes? A huge theme of the Christian walk is "Love your neighbor as yourself." It's not very loving to fake having it all together, is it? I have recently been a lot more comfortable opening up to people but I remember countless tears and lonely sleepless nights because I felt like I had to stay strong for everyone else or fear that people might think that I'm not doing well in my relationship with God. I learned the hard way that Christianity is a very relationship focused faith and I can't do it on my own. It's important to have that accountability and encouragement in your life to push you to be the absolute best you can be and to live up to your fullest potential. It's important to do life together.

There is also the famous chapter (at least in Pentecostalism) of Acts 2 (there's that number again) where the Holy Spirit comes down on the day of Pentecost. I think back to a couple of Tuesdays ago when we talked about spiritual gifts at our floor devotion and the Holy Spirit moved...there was so much unity and encouragement on my floor that night. Where two are more are gathered, there He is. God does great things when we pray together, when we play together, when we encourage one another...when we laugh together....when we cry together...when we're together in general.

I thought I should also include that alone time with God is also important.

I am not a statistic in God's eyes.

I don't really keep it a secret from anyone who asks or makes a comment about how they "feel bad" for people who have divorced parents/never knew their fathers or only have one parent...or they make a comment about my circumstances... that I have never met my biological father. Not that I can recall at least...today during class, we were talking about a case study (as I'm a Social Work major, we do that often.) and a girl asked if the kid in this particular case study had a relationship with his father. I'm not sure why it offended me today as it was a legitimate/innocent question. Obviously not directed toward me. I just started thinking about how I am tired of being a statistic.I hate being felt bad for. I hate that the church thinks that it's their place to feel bad for me rather than accepting me for who I am, family situation...scars...brokenness and all. (There IS a difference between feeling bad and being compassionate.) God loves me for who I am and what I've been through, why can't the church? 

I went to chapel right after this particular class...ironically enough, the speaker today said that God put on his heart the fatherless...or those who don't have good relationships with their fathers. He used a lot of examples from his own experience being a father and compared it to God as our Heavenly Father. It was an extremely powerful message. Ignoring the leading of the Holy Spirit after the "altar call", I left chapel as soon as we were dismissed with every intention of going on with my day like normal. I honestly just didn't really want anyone to see me break down and cry.. I went to lunch and sat with friends....but my spirit felt really heavy. I tried to ignore it. I certainly didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I really didn't want someone else to feel bad for me. I really felt like I needed to write...but as soon as I got back upstairs, I went into the prayer room and fell on my face...I didn't even know what to pray, I just cried...I felt God holding me and comforting but still all I could do was cry. For the first time...or second time...or third time...maybe more than that, I also knew God as my Father. I thought I was healed from a lot of this emotional pain I felt from feeling lost and out of place and insecure as a result of not having a relationship with my biological father...maybe I am but healing is a process. God's not finished with me yet. I thank God for bringing me such a long way already and I look forward to what else He will do in my life regarding this.

Do me a favor if you're a Christian...don't feel bad for people, love them unconditionally and be there for them if they need you. Help them to the extent that you're able. God will reward you..and you will make a different kind of impact in their life rather than that of resentment.

So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss...

Every time I hear someone sing the song "How He Loves" replacing the phrase "sloppy wet kiss", I get a little bit frustrated...a little bit is an understatement. The song is a result of a grieving process...I hate that people don't acknowledge that fact. Changing the words is ruining someone else's artwork...I like to compare it to drawing a mustache with a sharpie on the Mona Lisa because someone liked the way that it looked better or was offended that it was a painting of a woman. God's love isn't always pretty, but He is ALWAYS good. sometimes it seems like a sloppy wet kiss...oh but it's "offensive"...the gospel is offensive...how can someone love us so much that they would die for us? It doesn't make any sense....but He is ALWAYS good. We shouldn't be changing the words to the gospel either. And I'm pretty sure John Mark McMillan himself isn't nearly as annoyed by this as I am....haha

What happened to our Christ-like compassion?

So the other day, my roommate and I got in a very deep discussion with one of the girls on our floor. I love this girl with my entire heart and I am not here to gossip or slander her in any way but some of the things that she said made me thing. I really don't think that she meant to say a lot of the things that she did..but the conversation left me with this one question: What happened to our Christ-like compassion!?

God loves gay people. That's right, I said it. Ouch...He LOVES them just as much as He loves any one of us. Now I'm not condoning, church? Wake up. Stop treating them like they're the scum of the earth. We don't treat straight people who have sex outside of marriage like that. Isn't it basically the same thing? Doesn't the Bible say it's up to God to judge? I wonder how many times that people got turned away from the church because of the way that Christians treated them because they weren't perfect. I would hate to know the real numbers...hate the sin, love the sinner.

"We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.
 For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.  Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins."- Romans 3:22-24


This passage includes EVERYONE, not just the radical on-fire or religious Christians. Love everyone unconditionally, no matter their marital status...their orientation...whether they're poor or they're rich...whether they're a Christian or a Muslim or an Atheist...God loves us all and we are called to love the way that He does.

Tumblr

Hey, guys! I will still be using blogspot but if you're interested, follow me on tumblr at http://emily-adele.tumblr.com. I will probably just be writing about really random stuff but some of it will be deep and/or entertaining.  I will probably write another blog on here later in the week.

To my brothers in Christ...

My roommate and I were talking today about how we as Christian women can really stink at encouraging and respecting our brothers in Christ the way that we should. I would like to sincerely apologize for not always being the encouragement to you guys that God has called me to be. I found this "note" on Facebook that I wrote in November 2009 (I edited it a little.) and I still find it to be very true.:

We hear all the time that "real men do ----" and "real men don't----". The world's definitions do not constitute what a real man is. It doesn't matter what you wear or whether or not you straighten your hair, how talented you are, how tough are doesn't really matter in the long run. The size of your heart matters. Your intentions matter.The way you treat other people matters. A real man lives his life to the fullest and is who God created him to be.

Thank you to all of my brothers in Christ who have challenged me, encouraged me to grow, had deep conversations with me that encouraged me to go further, dig deeper into why I believe what I believe, to look at other's views, that I photoshopped into other people's bodies for my own entertainment haha, that make me laugh, that I can spend hours talking about absolutely nothing with, etc. I probably wouldn't be who I am today if God hadn't sent my brothers in Christ to me exactly when I needed them.

Thank you guys!  appreciate you. You're awesome, bro!