Over the weekend, someone I trusted really hurt me. It's not wise or remotely beneficial to me to explain the situation in such a public place but it is necessary for the purpose of this blog to say that I was hurt and still am.
When this situation happened, I was up all night in shock why someone would do such a thing to me. Yes, maybe I was focusing too much on myself, but it hurt(s). A lot.
The pain that I felt brought to surface a lot of my insecurities...."Am I not good enough?" "Am I not pretty enough? (cue every single physical/personal thing I'm insecure about)" "Is this person trying to one up me?" (I don't even think this person cares as much about this situation as I do.) "Why does nobody even care about my feelings?" "Why does everyone take advantage of me?" "Why doesn't anyone respect me?" Obviously, a lot of these things aren't necessarily true but they are questions that came to mind when this situation happened and since. I know that I need to find my security in God and Him only but these are questions that I really have struggled with the last few days. It's hard to receive compliments right now because my self confidence has been shot. I could not help feeling extremely unloved but I still have learned a lesson and learning how to put it into practice.
Security is not found in ANYONE but God.
Nothing else matters BUT Him.
My identity is in Christ, NOT in what other people do to me or say about me.
ALL of His creation was good, this includes me.
I AM worthy to be loved.
Getting to the cliche part of this blog, it's almost February 14th. Last year, my friends and I jokingly celebrated Anna Howard Shaw day. (She was a leader of the women's suffrage movement, a physician and the first ordained female Methodist minister in the United States); much less popular than "St. Valentine's Day" or for a good majority of us, "Singles' Awareness Day". It's difficult not to get caught up in whether or not you have a significant other around this time of year. People tend to pair off and then life becomes really awkward. Everything is covered with cheesy pink and red hearts, which doesn't actually count as a legitimate color combination any other time of the year. Yes, I realize that I sound really cynical right now but that is not my intention.
I love the idea of love; I really do but we put so much emphasis on romantic love and to an extent, that's totally fine. I'm not against romantic love at all but after all of these insecurities have surfaced, I am really not ready for it yet. So instead of focusing on some punk (I mean, awesome and handsome man of God.), I am going to let God pursue me and I am going to find my identity in Him. I am going to replace all of the lies I've been believing with His truth about me. I'm going to learn how to love Him with EVERYTHING that I am and I mean absolutely EVERYTHING that I am.
2 comments:
Dear Emily,
I'm so proud of you for staying strong through this, even though it hurts you. The lies may never stop, but keep using God's Word as TRUTH against these lies. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are valuable. You are incredibly hilarious. You are an awesome communicator and have so much passion for what you're doing! Don't let your emotions over this situation hinder the Lord from speaking. Keep your eyes on the Lord and He will comfort you and keep you. I know I don't always say it, but having you as a roommate has been so awesome. I believe in you. And someday you'll find a man who will love you so dearly, only second to his love for the Lord. Stay strong. Hugs. :-)
I am so very happy to have you as a friend, Emily. You are a amazing women of God, and He could not be more proud of you. I am also glad I have another friend who celebrates Anna Howard Shaw day =)
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