Why I'm glad I didn't grow up in the church...

   Tonight, a few girls on my floor and I gathered in my RA's room for some bonding time. We shared our testimonies, we laughed, we cried, we endured the heat together. The heat in her room, of course.We go to school in Minneapolis. It's cold here. 

  

  From what I recall, all but one of the girls who were in the room grew up in the church. Not that it's a bad thing they grew up in the church, we all have had our equal share of struggles and heartbreak. I'm just glad that I didn't. I used to really wish that I had some kind of religious background instead of the home life that I had. I'm not going to get into detail but let's just say it took a long time to recover from it. To be honest, I'm still recovering. Healing is a process. When sharing my testimony, the first sentence that I said after admitting that I was a little bit nervous, "I did not grow up in the church and I am learning how to be more and more thankful for it every day." 

  I tend to be pretty transparent to anyone who asks me questions about myself but I'm one of those people who you actually have to ask. I don't hide the fact that I didn't grow up in a traditional Christian background or any Christian background. However, I go to a Christian college and as with any Christian environment (at least the ones that I have been in), people tend to assume that I have. Obviously it's human nature to assume but it still kinda stinks when people assume things about you that aren't true. Oh well. I'll get over it.

  I have often been told that I have a different way of bringing things to the table and God has recently taught me that this was because of my upbringing. Not growing up in the church has given me a different perspective on things than a lot of people who did have. I had a different opportunity to grow in my faith than my friends who grew up in the church did. I had a different kind of motivation to continue following God. I had an opportunity to come to a lot of my own conclusions instead of being told what to believe, which in all honesty I don't necessarily think is a bad thing. I learned how important it was to know where people came from and where God brought them from without making assumptions that they came from the same background as me. I developed a different definition of being open minded. Although if I have children, I plan on bringing them up in the church, I am thankful for the different perspective that I developed by not growing up in it. 

Thank you, Jesus.

"A glass can only spill what it contains..."-mewithoutYou

My dear friend once told me that problems are like Tetris...if you don't do anything about it, things build up and you lose. Sometimes I harbor bitter feelings against others, even those who are undeserving, because I don't make an attempt to deal with an already present problem. Hence the phrase "A glass can only spill what it contains..." In a way, our souls are a metaphorical glasses that contain feelings such as hurt, bitterness, infatuation, joy, love, etc.

And your glass will ONLY spill what it contains.

If you hold bitterness inside of you, you will spill bitterness. Trust me. I know from experience.

If you contain hatred, your glass will spill hatred.

If you contain pride, your glass will spill pride.

And the list goes on....

And sometimes it's a horrible mixed drink of pride, bitterness and hatred. The deadliest thing is to mix a trace of one of these things with 4 parts love because it is deceptive. It's almost like mixing a tasteless drug in someone else's drink.

And the worst thing about it? You spill it all over the people around you. You will snap or get angry with people who didn't do anything to you (or those who did) because you're holding your poisonous drink dear.

I don't want to contain pride, bitterness and hatred. I want to contain the joy of the Lord and the love of God. I want to spill it on the people around me so they will know Him. The Bible says you will know them by their fruits...

RE: Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial

It's Christmas day and I'm sitting in my room with the door shut sipping Diet Coke. Most Christians on this day are remembering the birth of Christ, reminding EVERYONE and their grandmothers that Jesus is the reason for the season. And He is. He really is.
However, I think I've read one too many Facebook statuses complaining about how people say Happy Holidays instead of Merry CHRISTmas. After all, Jesus is the reason for the season. So instead of thinking about the birth of Christ (which I maybe should be doing), I am contemplating all the reasons I don't understand Christianity.
I consider myself to be a Christ-follower and if someone asked me, for identifying purposes, I consider myself a Christian.
I do not consider myself a religious person, however. I think of religious people as those who stand on the street corners telling everybody that they're going to Hell. In my humble opinion, that is not the way to show God's love. After all, Christianity is not a religion...it's a relationship. (insert more cliche sayings)
But most people think of Christianity as a set of rules. You MUST read your King James bible for at least a half hour every day, pray, give to the poor. You may NOT drink alcohol, buy lottery tickets, smoke, read Harry Potter or Twilight, cuss, listen to secular music, have fun.
Actually, I am convicted about a good majority of the things that I listed that you may not do. I have watched alcohol ruin lives...I think that gambling is a huge waste of money...smoking is gross and horrible for you (so is Diet Coke, I'm sure)....I think that opening yourself up to Harry Potter is entertaining witchcraft. I have known people heavily into the occult and I can tell you that even though Harry Potter is technically fictional, witchcraft is very real and we have no business entertaining it. Twilight is pedophilia and a shame to any well written novel. I hate when I hear Christians cuss all the time.
I am not convicted about listening to secular music but content does matter.
Most Christians I know don't think of these things as a big deal but I do. I don't think that saying Happy Holidays is a big deal but apparently it is. Where do we draw the line about what's right and what isn't? I understand the concept of conviction but as Paul said in one of his letters, everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. However, do these things that we do ruin our witness to other people? Why do we spend more time trying to justify the things that we're doing instead of reaching out to people and being a Christlike example? I don't really know if any of the things I listed are technically wrong but I have seen those things ruin witness to those in the world. Seriously, where do we draw the line!? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

God is weird...

I love God, don't get me wrong...but He is so weird. Maybe people would consider this blasphemous and maybe it is. But if we are called to be Christ-like and if Jesus Christ is the Son of God, then aren't we called to be weird too? I don't really understand a lot of things that go on or why things are the way that they are. I'm sure God has a reason for it but it doesn't stop me from thinking that He's weird. Here are some of my random thoughts about why I think God is weird. Are these some of my Christ-like qualities? I wonder...:
1. He is perfect and nobody else is. What's up with that? That makes Him different than the rest of us and therefore weird.
2. I don't understand why there is a murder of crows outside of my dorm room window every night. I think that it's really creepy. Why did God make crows? Is He trying to make a funny joke? Why are a bunch of crows together called a murder? I bet that there's a reason for that.
3. I don't understand why I am always haunted by his eyes or his perfect smile. Or why I can think of a million reasons why I am wasting my time. Or no matter how many times I ask God to make it go away or get frustrated, it never goes away.
4. I wonder why God gave me the personality that I have or the silly dry sense of humor. I don't understand why I'm shy or an introvert. I don't really understand why people don't believe me when I tell them that I am.
5. I wish I knew why God made words like weapons...or why I am always the one on the battlefront getting bullets of hurtful things shot at me? My wounds still remain unnoticed by most because I try and stay strong.
6. I wonder why God made my mind the way that it is and why I am afraid to let anyone else in completely. I wonder why I like to know random information that has absolutely nothing to do with anything.
7. I wish I knew why I try to fight battles for others. Does God mean for this to happen?
8. Is God's love language love?
9. Why are men and women sooo different from each other? And why do we try to understand each other when we know deep down inside that we never will?
10.  Why do I enjoy making things so complicated? Is this a Christ-like quality too?
11. Why does He know absolutely EVERYTHING about us and still love us unconditionally anyways? It doesn't make any sense to me but I'm thankful that He does.

Love is an idiot!

(I wish this phrase was original but it isn't. I read it on a Facebook status and it inspired me.)

Is love an idiot or am I an idiot? I knew from the beginning that I never would have a chance but I entertained the thought that it might...possibly...maybe...happen. Maybe I was right. I secretly hope that I wasn't but I'm sure I am. I know all of the cliche answers, most of all "just wait. Focus on God. Be content." I am not at peace with these answers. I can't help it, I have the mind of a poet where everything inside is a beautiful painting of feelings and possible scenarios sprawled across the sunset; your perfect smile lighting up the near darkness. It really stinks that this scene will probably never take place outside of my head. One eye is searching through the darkness for another adventure and someone else to care about that may care about me back because I know you're only in my imagination.

It is almost like we have a choice to love someone or not to love them. Funny how we think that we can be around someone who is near perfect and not fall head over heels for them. It amuses me how we think that it's possible...but I don't think that it is. I think that everything under the sun has a reason, including love...whether or not it's reciprocated.  A life lesson if you will. The real question is; is love an idiot or am I?

Pointless Bitterness...

God has been teaching me a lot about forgiveness lately...after my first year out of high school, a girl that I know hurt a lot of people that were close to me at the time. As I am very, very protective of my friends and sometimes try to fight their battles (I'm working on it.), I decided that I didn't like her anymore. Fast forward three years, this girl just happened to live in very close proximity to me in the dorms. I automatically put up a defense after three years of bitterness being built up and tried to make as little contact with her as possible. I wasn't necessarily rude or anything, I just wanted very limited conversation. I have known since last semester I was supposed to talk to her about it and forgive her...I'm going to be completely honest right now, I made every possible excuse in the book to avoid it.

1.  I'm really shy. 
2.  I didn't really know what to say.
3.  I didn't really want to.

 and the list goes on...and on...and on...

On Sunday night, we had a worship night and she was sitting very close to where I was. God was like, "Hey...you need to forgive her." I was speechless...I didn't really know what I was supposed to say...I planned on giving all of the reasons why I was bitter to God and figuring out why I was so bitter....wait, uh...God? Can I just forgive her without me saying anything? PLEASE. PLEASE. Exactly what I was planning on doing.  He had other plans. I started to pray but it kept coming up in my mind...so I did what any good Godly woman would do, I instead wrote in my journal...everyone is going to hurt me at some point.  Keep it to myself... so I started to think about all of the reasons that I was bitter and what she has done to me personally...I thought for a second...five minutes passed...nothing. This girl has never done anything to me personally. Ever.

After this worship night was over, I went up to her and explained that I was holding onto this bitterness for three years for absolutely nothing. Nothing. What a waste of time. I apologized to her and she explained to me how a couple of people have told her that I didn't really like her and she didn't know why I didn't like her but it meant the world to her that I apologized. I had no idea either.

A good friend once told me that problems are like Tetris and if you don't do anything about it, the blocks...your hatred...your bitterness...your stupidity...will build up...and eventually, you will lose. I almost lost this game by holding onto something completely pointless. It was hindering me from having a solid relationship with God and other people.

Let God search you. What kind of pointless things are you holding onto? Forgive them and let God's love replace your bitterness...your hatred...whatever. Let Him set you free.

God, break me. I am tired of being at a stand still in my relationship with You. I want to be put back together according to Your purpose and molded in Your image. I no longer want to feel inadequate or insecure, I want to find my identity completely in You. I no longer want to be hurt or bitter toward others. I want to be an encouragement to them and Your instrument. I want to love people the way that You do. Help me to become humble and break me so that I can be everything that You created me to be.